There’s no such thing as an easy or kind breakup. By their very definition, breakups are messy and painful, ranging from the emotional equivalent of ripping off a Band-Aid to a Mack truck running you over, backing up, and doing it again. And sometimes being the dumper is just as hard as being dumped. While there are many books out there to usher the dumpee through a breakup, the rules of dumping remain somewhat unwritten. Below, an attempt to spell them out. Feel free to forward to the jerk who dumped you via text message on your birthday.

Note that some rules (marked with an asterisk) are hard and fast. No matter how low-down and dirty your S.O. may have acted, common decency demands that you follow these guidelines